Truth be told, the below post is not about walking The West Highland Way.

It’s just a little something I needed to get out. It’s real and it’s about those times when grief grips you into being a little mad, a little sad.

That being said – I will be posting a follow up to last week’s WHO post this week. It’s the WHAT. Very exciting stuff to be sure.

So, if you’re signed up to get our emails that will hit your inbox bright and early Friday morning (or not so early, don’t hold me to it).

To that point – I’ve seen quite a few more people sign up to get post notifications. Thank you! We are so very excited and nervous and happy to share this journey of ours.

If you are so inclined, you can follow our instagram @thehighlandfour as well! There you’ll get more day-to-day updates. We share pictures from our training in the U.S. and we will be posting there a ton while we’re in Scotland.

Well, thanks again everyone – from the bottom of hearts. It means so much.

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Most days we all get by fairly well. I think.

We push through the tough moments when they come and find ways to laugh and lean on each other.

It’s our way.

But this past weekend was pretty tough – it was both Christina’s birthday last Friday and our mama’s this past Sunday.

Christina is the fourth person in our immediate family to cross the “first-birthday-wihout-mom” mark. While we celebrated (for sure!), I know it was still hard for her. There’s just something about your birthday that makes you want your mom. Right?

Sunday was especially hard though. I don’t think I really prepared myself for how hard that day would be.

We were all really quiet. We didn’t say much to each other. I think we all needed the space.

The space to miss her in our own ways. To honor and remember and wish her happy birthday on our own.

For me – that meant going in search of blue hydrangeas.

Her favorite flowers have become a bit of a symbol for her and gosh they’re so beautiful it’s not hard to cave every time I find the $5.99 bouquets at Trader Joe’s.

I can always find them at TJ’s, so I went there first thing in the morning.

When I arrived to find that there were no hydrangeas at all… I thought that for sure the Claremont farmer’s market would have some. So I went there and scoured the flower stands with no luck and an increasing panic filling me.

Of course, I’d be late on this.

Every year on mom’s birthday I’d call to tell her that I loved her so much and that I hoped she’d have a great birthday, “blah blah what are you and dad doing today? AND oh by the way, I forget to send your card out again.”

Every year, she’d laugh and say something like “of course you did, just give it to me when I come out soon.” She was often late with gifts too, I think she just got me on this one.

So on Sunday, when I couldn’t call her to tell her her card was late – those flowers became my call.

It was like… if I could just get the damn flowers she’d know. She’d hear me.

I decided to try one last place, an actual nursery, and told myself they’d have them. They had to.

I speed walked in, scanning the outdoor aisles – up and down – rows and rows of every kind of useless flower* but no hydrangeas!

I abandoned the outdoor section and went inside. They had to be inside. They just had to.

Side note… If you were at Trader Joe’s, The Farmer’s Market or Armstrong Nursery in Claremont last Sunday – That was me in that blue hat mumbling positive affirmations to myself and holding back tears. 

Finally, at the far corner of the store I found a display of every kind of hydrangea. Whites, pinks, purples.

And tucked between a few massive white versions were the two prettiest little blue hydrangea plants.

They were so perfect.

I didn’t even look at the price before they were on the check-out counter.

In a serendipitous way – not being able to just get a bouquet that day was a blessing. I have been wanting to plant hydrangeas along the side of my home for a while.

And now I will.

It’s amazing how something so simple as flowers can mean so much.

I think her birthday was so hard because it made everything feel very real.

On birthdays you make memories and recall past times surrounded by those closest to you.

It’s what makes life, life.

Having only her memory now is something I know I’m not ready to really accept.

And I think that’s ok for now.

As I drove home from the nursery I said aloud, “Happy Birthday Mama, I got your flowers. Your card is still late, but damnit I got you your flowers.”

Xx,

KA

* p.s. I love all flowers. They all just looked useless to me in the face of my quest.

* p.p.s. These are the flowers! The guy at Armstrong was so helpful – he got me set up with the right soil for these babies and gave me great instruction on how to keep them blue. I’ve mixed in fresh acidic soil with the old gross soil and they are going in the ground tomorrow! …Also, when I said “I’ve mixed” I really meant “my boyfriend Jeff mixed,” because that’s the truth.